I’ve been AWOL recently, you may have thought my content had been lost in an algorithm, truth is, it got lost in grief.
I lost my Mam at the end of February and suddenly I was catapulted into an experience I was not prepared for.
It really has been like a roller coaster which you don’t want to be on and sometimes don’t know how to get off. Being self-employed too and working from home has brought me space to grieve but also isolation. My family is in the North-East where I’m from originally and I’m in Leicestershire, so it’s been hard grieving in lock-down.
My Mam didn’t die from Covid, she’d been ill for a while as a result of having sepsis a couple of years ago and even though the end came suddenly and was a shock to my system, it felt like it was her time to go.
I’m now navigating my way through grief and as it’s Mental Health Awareness Week, I thought I would share 10 key things I’ve learnt in the last 3 months. There are also some resources at the end of the post that might help.
1.Everyone’s grief is unique. I feel so much more empathy for people, especially when I heard about someone my husband knew who died suddenly at 40 leaving a wife and young family behind. Knowing how I was feeling after losing my Mam who was 86, I could not comprehend how this man’s wife and family must be feeling and the level of grief they are now experiencing.
2.There can be humour in grief. Like when my Dad said, “we need to decide what to bury your Mam in”. Something I had never thought about before. My dad suggested one of her favourite nighties (she hadn’t been able to wear proper clothes for a while as she had a drain in her back). Dad, we can bury Mam in a dress, she doesn’t have to wear nightie’s anymore. Ah yes, good idea, she was dying to wear one of her dresses………! The dark humour in me smiled inside, Mam had a brilliant sense of humour 😊
3.I had to Google what grief is. I’m a Coach and I felt under pressure to ‘do grief right’, whatever that means?! I remember my friend messaging me and asking me how I was. My response was, I don’t know, I don’t know what grief is, I don’t know how to grieve. Shelby Forsythia, who’s books and workshops have helped me a lot describes grief as, “the collection of normal, natural emotions that follows a loss; can include sadness and anger, but can also include numbness, confusion, guilt, anxiety and joy.”
The bottom line is, it’s emotion that needs to move through us and it can creep up unexpectedly but, as awful as it is, you need to allow yourself to feel it.
4.How many people are burying grief? Is a question I’ve asked myself, particularly in our industry which is predominantly male. Do you feel under pressure to bury your grief? Delayed grief is grief that isn’t recognised at the time of a loss and it can manifest itself in many different ways in future including increased use of alcohol, withdrawal from family and friends and depression. I’ve included a link to an article below about delayed grief.
5.I have had to learn to give myself permission to grieve and sometimes I’ve had to phone a friend and get them to give me permission to grieve. I have had a lot of negative self-talk about what I ‘should’ be doing. At the start of the year I’d just launched a new website, I had big plans and then, on the 26th February my Mam died.
One of the best pieces of advice I received was to give myself space to grieve. I took 2 weeks out of my business after Mam’s death then I went back to work to fulfil the commitments I had, I couldn’t just stop, especially as I’m self-employed. I did clear time in between, I needed it, but I also felt guilty in those times when I didn’t want to do anything but watch sh*te on Netflix.
I’m learning to surrender when grief creeps over me, I know it will pass and I feel like I’m starting to emerge from the cocoon.
6.Sometimes grief can be primal. I really scared myself and my husband one night. I couldn’t be ars*d to make dinner and he didn’t want to do it either. We decided to do it together. Big mistake! He wasn’t putting the tomatoes in the pan quick enough, I chucked them in, splashed myself with oil, then lost it. I jumped up and down, I screamed, he wasn’t listening to me, my Mam is dead, I can never speak to her again, then I sobbed. It felt good to let it out.
7.I have become a student of grief. I did what I always do when I don’t know how to do something, I started to read books and that helped me so much to understand how I was feeling and that those feelings are normal. I mentioned the author Shelby Forsythia, I have listed her books below, she also has a podcast and delivers workshops with other ‘grief growers’ as she calls us. Sharing experiences with others who are grieving has been brilliant and very reassuring. It is a safe space for me to share my emotions and not be judged.
I also wonder how people cope with grieving at work and whether they are getting the support they need? I’m in the position where I can control my diary and give myself space but what if I couldn’t? I’m not sure how I would cope. I think this is a big question for the workplace and I would be interested to know from people reading this how they have coped at work and what support (if any) they have received.
8.As a society, I don’t think we normalise grief. It’s that ‘stiff upper lip’ not showing emotion, not allowing ourselves to feel and experience the rollercoaster. I have now become a transmitter for permission to grieve. If you need permission, e-mail me, I will give it to you. maria@constructioncoach.co.uk
9.Grief brain is real. It is like a fog that descends, and you cannot think clearly. One day you’re fine, the next day you can’t even respond to a doodle poll as it feels too overwhelming. My in-box is out of control, I have e-mails I haven’t responded to, but I will get there, it will be ok.
One of the most reassuring things I read recently was, “It’s rarely advertised this way, grief is a mental health event. Losing someone you love affects the way your brain functions”. Shelby Forsythia, Your Grief, Your Way
I can totally relate to this which is why…..
10.I got professional help. I had some sessions with a Grief Counsellor which really helped me make sense of how I was feeling and gave me some tools including journaling to get my thoughts out of my head. One of my light bulb moments here was the need to learn to be my own best friend and be kind to myself. My advice would be, don’t be afraid to ask for help and find a safe space and tools to help you process your grief.
Grief has definitely changed me, it’s made me re-evaluate who I am and what’s important to me. I’ve also discovered new things and re-discovered things I love to do. I’ve started to be creative with art which is something I have wanted to do for a long time. I have also reconnected with my love of boxing which is a brilliant way to let stuff out.
My family and friends have been amazing and people I’m working with have been really understanding. I’m lucky that I have the support that I do.
I hope me sharing what I’ve been going through helps you. Here are some resources that I’ve found helpful to me.
Shelby Forsythia
Permission to Grieve; Creating Grace, Space, & Room to Breathe in the Aftermath of Loss.
Your Grief, Your Way; A Year of Practical Guidance and Comfort After Loss
Podcast, Coming Back; Conversations on Life After Loss
Access to workshops on Patreon
Megan Devine
It’s Ok That You’re Not Ok; Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn’t Understand
0 Comments